So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
