I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
