I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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