You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
