Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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