I'm really into asian looking animals
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
