Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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