Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
