I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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