i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
