One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This baby is an asshole
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The ass gains better be worth it
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