grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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