So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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