I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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