I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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