I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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