I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
