he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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