she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you never un-have a 4some
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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