I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
