I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
