I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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