the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
