i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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