I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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