Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
