I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
