I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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