god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
