My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
