Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
