i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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