Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
