just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
