cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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