and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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