if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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