im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
