Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
