i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
