it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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