I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
