i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he was CRYING into my vagina
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom