The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.