My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.