i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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