i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
