Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
