If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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