That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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