Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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