Someone shit on the floor
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
