and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
