I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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