look no pants
Where is the hickey?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
