Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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